I Miss Her

I remember crying so hard and thinking on several occasions that this must be how toddlers feel when they throw tantrums. They do it because they think that if they cry hard enough they'll get what they want. That's pretty much what I did. I'd cry and kick and, if I were home alone, scream. I'd get so upset that I would throw up. And then I would wear myself out and fall asleep.

I've accepted the fact that my mom is in Heaven and it will be what feels like a really long time before I see her again. There is nothing I can do to change that. But man, it sucks.

I miss her when I feel like I have no friends.

I missed her when I went to small group knowing only one or two people. I wanted to call her after I went to The Grove with the girls I didn't know and tell her that I wanted to run away, but I stayed. I wanted her to be proud of me. Because that was hard. Really hard.

I missed her when I went to see my fourth psychiatrist in as many years. I wanted her to be with me because I was scared. I wanted her to be my advocate because I'm not good with words. I wanted her to jump in when I couldn't quite get out what I wanted to say.

I miss her when I'm sick and home alone. I want her to come watch movies with me and just sit close to me and hold my hand.

I wanted to call her and cry to her after Evie choked on a mint at church. After I had to do the Heimlich and she was completely fine but I was shaking and terrified and people around me kept saying, "well, she shouldn't have had that anyway. She's too young for that."

She was so kind. She KNEW me. She understood me.

One of my favorite stories about my mom took place when she was very sick. I was watching TV in the room next to hers. She had been sleeping but called me into her room. She asked me if I wanted a popsicle. I knew she wanted one so I told her that I didn't, but that I'd be happy to go get one for her. She said, "Oh no, that's okay. You don't have to go downstairs just for me. I'll get one later." (You better believe I ran downstairs to get her one anyway)

I want to be like her. I want to be kind and selfless. I want to put others before myself.

Tonight I am sad, but I am not without hope. I cry, but not tears of despair. I miss her. I will never understand why God called her home so early, but I know that He worked through her. And I hope He'll work through me, too.

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Trapped

I wish something as simple as having a conversation would come more easily. I wish it were easier to say "hi" and introduce myself. I wish I wasn't so overwhelmed just sitting in a room full of people. I wish being late didn't stress me out to no end. I wish I were more approachable. I wish I could enjoy myself at social gatherings. I wish I didn't wake up feeling like I was hit by a truck after said social gatherings. I wish I valued myself more. I wish I were more confident. 

I'm caught in a sea of lies. Lies that say I'm not good enough. I know they're lies, but I believe them anyway. 

"Because you are precious in my eyes, and honored, and I love you." -Isaiah 43:4

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Untitled

I was thrilled to graduate from college. College was not the fun, easy, time of your life experience for me. It was hard. Every second of it. Most of my classes were hard. I registered for speech class six semesters and dropped it on the first day for the first five of those semesters. {side note: my last speech was a celebration speech. I chose "The Last Day of Speech Class" and my professor loved it.} Music is hard. It is more than just sitting around playing music all day.

As hard as it was, I had friends and professors cheering for me, encouraging me, and challenging me every day. Someone was near me almost all of the time. We became a family, as cheesy as that sounds.

The last semester was the student teaching experience. I was no longer surrounded by my family, but by 1,000 elementary schoolers and a mentor teacher who did not need to have a student teacher. Needless to say, I was done. Ready to get out. Ready to start my job caring for "my" sweet little girls. I was so excited.

Then I graduated. I have the best job. It is hard but there's nothing I'd rather do. I live with a family who has become my family. But if you know me, you know that change is one of the very long list of things that I S.T.R.U.G.G.L.E. with. Even if it's good change. I no longer have the safety net that was school.

During my freshman year, a psychiatrist diagnosed me with clinical depression, anxiety, and PTSD. I am SO much better now and I'm thankful for all the people who helped me through that time.

I still struggle. I am fully aware that I have it easy compared to so many people. But the thing is, depression is real. Anxiety is real. And it can be sneaky. It can be debilitating. I may overthink a situation. Then I get anxious about it, which leads to depression because I cannot stop thinking about something that I may have said that may have been misinterpreted. I get angry with myself because why do I have to be so darn sensitive? Why do I not run to God during every hard time in my life? Why can I not just choose to be happy? And what the heck do I have to be depressed about? My life is good. There is nothing for me to be sad about.

Sometimes I am so anxious that I dread going to hang out with friends. Not because I don't want to see them, but because I am scared. Sometimes I am afraid to make a phone call. I am afraid to ask questions. I am afraid to reach out to anyone to say, "Hey, I'm hurting. I need a friend."

Growing up I was indirectly taught that depression is sinful. Medication is sinful. Anxiousness is sinful. I need to trust God. Trusting Him will make it better. Those things are not necessarily true.

I believe that God is good. All the time. I believe that He allows us to walk through difficult times for a reason. We may never know that reason. I would like to believe that He has used me to encourage someone else or even bring someone to know Himself. I do not, however, believe that if you just trust God, life will be all better. I believe it's a process. One that I am still trying to work through and will for the rest of my life.

I have hope. I love the Lord. I believe that He is good. But right now I am struggling. I am hurting.

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The Last Day

We drove down Towne Lake Parkway. I’m not sure what time it was, but I do know that it was light out when we left and dark when we came home. Sometime in the late afternoon, I guess. Mr. Hollis was driving their gold minivan with Mrs. Hollis in the passenger seat. Camille was in the bucket seat next to me. 

Mr. Hollis has salt and pepper hair. A defined jaw. He’s one of those crazy, workout, nutrition obsessed kinds of people. The radio is turned to 104.7 The Fish, and he taps his strong fingers on the steering wheel along with the music. Mrs. Hollis has reddish-brown hair. It is very short with big curls surrounding her face. She holds her large, Starbucks travel mug in her left hand. She has thin, small facial features. Camille is a little version of our dad. Blond hair. Round face. Happy-go-lucky personality.

They make light of the situation. We had just left the house and were driving down the road. We approached the Chic-fil-a and instead of stopping, we turned in. 

“You girls should probably eat something”, Mr. Hollis said. His voice was so cheerful that it made me angry. It’s not a time to be happy.

We all walked into the restaurant. Why is everyone so happy? Don’t they know that I’ve never been so devastated in my entire life? Don’t they know that my mom is in the hospital? She’s dying! She’s dying. My mom. My best friend. My mom is dying. Why are they so happy?

“My pleasure”, the cashier said after we ordered our food. Again with the cheery voice.

We got our food. The four of us were sitting at a table in the back corner of the restaurant near the bathrooms. I took one bite of my chicken sandwich and had to run to the bathroom and throw up. I don’t know how he expects me to eat. How are they eating? 

“I don’t think I can eat. I just threw up”, I said when I got back to the table.

“Are you ok? Do you need to go back home and lay down?” Mrs. Hollis asked me.

“No, I think it was just the sandwich. I’m fine now”.

“Ok, let us know if you feel sick again.”

Finally, everyone finished. We got back on the road. In an effort to lighten the mood, Mr. Hollis starts talking. 

“Maybe we should get ice-cream on the way home!”

“Yeah! Lets do that! Can Andrea come?” Camille asked.

“Probably! We’ll have to see.”

When we reached exit four on I-575, I had enough of the small talk and my body shut down. I rested my head on the shoulder strap of my seat belt and fell asleep. Not because I was tired but because that was my body’s reaction to stress. 

I heard her singing. It’s the song from a book she read to us growing up.

“I’ll love you forever, I’ll like you for always. As long as I’m living, my baby you’ll be”.

I could hear her calm, quiet voice. I could hear her reading aloud to us before bed. She did it almost every night. Sat in the doorway so she could see the light from the hall way. I felt her kiss my forehead when she thought I was asleep and came back in my room to check on me and whisper “I love you” in my ear. I heard her pray for me. Like she did every single night. I saw her give. She made meals for sick people or families that just had babies. 

I was brought back to reality by Mr. Hollis’ singsongy voice after we reached Kennestone Hospital.

“Hey MJ, we’re here. Are you ready?”

“Okay.”

C2. We were parked in the dark, sad parking lot. I got out of the van and smelled the gasoline. Hit in the face with a wall of humidity. I was sweating, shaking, and feeling sick to my stomach. I hate hospitals. Always have. 

Earlier that day I had gotten an overwhelming feeling that I NEEDED to see my mom. My sister and I were already at the Hollis’ house. I went to Mrs. Hollis and timidly asked her if she would take me to the hospital. Of course she would take me, she said. Everyone was surprised that I wanted to go. I avoided it every time I was asked.

We walked into the parking garage to the nasty, germie elevator. Up to the main level of the hospital. We walked across the connecting bridge to the lobby of the hospital. It’s the only welcoming part of the building. There was a large desk in the middle of the lobby. A cheerful receptionist sits behind it directing people to their loved one’s rooms. Again with the cheerfulness.

Everything echoed in there. Every step we took. Every word, cough, sniffle, clearing of the throat. For some reason that just made everything even worse. There were fake, plastic plants in every corner. Covered in dust. Chairs lined the perimeter of the room.

“You ready?” Mrs. Hollis asked.

“Yeah I guess so,” I responded.

We headed to the elevator. Something about elevators just make my stomach drop. Camille pushed the button. Four. The groan of the mechanics reflected the way I feel. The creaking made me feel uneasy. Ding… Ding… Ding. Floor four. The silver, steel doors slid open at my mom’s floor. The cancer floor. 

Instead of going straight to my mom’s room, we walked through the sterile maze that is the hallway. It was dark and somber. The halls smelled of rubbing alcohol and sickness. We passed many open doors and could see some very sick people lying and bed and others who were recovering and walking around. 

We were ushered into the family room. There was an ugly green couch. Mr. Hollis told us to sit down. That meant bad news. I looked around the room. There were a couple of round, gray tables with brown chairs. On one of the tables was a bowl of fruit. There was a counter with coffee. Next to the coffee maker were stacks of white styrofoam cups. I saw cupboards above and below the counter and wondered what was in them. My thoughts were interrupted. 

“Your mom is very sick. Just keep that in mind. She may not know you are there. She might sleep the whole time. She might say things that don’t make sense.”

Great. Why are they telling me this? I know she’s sick. I don’t need to know this. For a minute, I regret my decision to come. She’s my mom. I need to see her. Who knows how much time she had left.

“Alright, let’s go”, Mr. Hollis said.

He led me back through the maze-like halls. Just me. They wanted us to go in one at a time. Room 437. Without telling me, he left me in there alone. It was dark. Just a dim light near the blinds, which were shut. I stood and looked at her for a minute. It had been 11 days, I think, since I last saw her.

She was lying on her back in the bed, at a slight incline. She looked peaceful. Relaxed. Her eyes were closed and kind of sunken into her head. They were surrounded with brown-purple circles. She had no eye lashes or eyebrows and just a little peach fuzz on her perfectly shaped head. Her lips were thin and white. Her face was pale. She had lost weight and looked very skinny. Mom wore a light green shirt and the white hospital blanket came up to her waist. 

“Hey Mommy”, I said. My voice was barely a whisper. 

I was afraid. Not sure why. I walked over to her side and put my hand on hers.

“Mommy?”

“Hey sweetie”, she said, “How are you?”

“I’m good. How are you?”

She didn’t respond.

Her words ran together. I’d seen movies about people who have died, but this was nothing like that. It was much, much worse. When she spoke, I saw that her teeth had turned brown from lack of nutrients and inability to care for herself. I think that’s why I was so scared. She didn’t look like my mom. My mom took care of herself.

“I love you, Mommy”

“Mmhmm.”

I didn’t know what else to say. She wasn’t responding anyway. As I was looking at her, her face started to twist into a pained look. She was writhing in pain and twisted herself so that she was face down, screaming. I’ve never seen her like that. She was always very calm and collected. The room suddenly felt crowded. There were just a couple of nurses, but it felt like the room was packed. I couldn’t move. 

“It’s ok, Mrs. Ellise. It’s ok. Calm down it’s ok. We’re gonna fix you up”, one of the nurses said.

She was rocking back and forth, trying to ease the pain. They later told me that she got sudden, intense headaches that lasted anywhere from two minutes to an hour, because of the cancer. The nurses finally got her back in place. She looked at me.

“I hate you! I hate you, Maggie!”

“I love you mommy! I love you!” 

I was trying to hold back the tears. What is happening? I couldn’t hold it in any longer. I cried.

“I hate you!”

“I love you Mommy! I love you.” I said between sobs.

“I hate it when you come visit me!”

I felt a gentle hand on my back.

“That’s not your momma, baby. That’s not your momma, that’s the drugs.” The nurse said. She was trying to reassure me, but it wasn’t working.

“Why did you come here?”

“Because I love you! I love you so much, Mommy.”

“I hate you!”

The nurse started to pull me away.

“Please! I love you mommy! I love you! I love you! Please! Mommy!”

“C’mon baby. Let’s go.”

My mom was still screaming at me as I walked through the door into the hall. Mrs. Hollis was waiting, crying. I failed any attempt I made not to cry. I lost it. I cried deep, excruciating sobs as I was lead back to the family room. I couldn’t stay on my feet. I started to fall every couple of steps I took. Mrs. Hollis caught me. As we made our way, we passed nurses, some who were discretely wiping tears and some who were openly crying. 

She had that effect on people. Everyone liked my mom. She was so graceful and selfless. Everyone liked her. Her nurses had grown to love her during her short time in the hospital. During her treatment, my mom made cookies to give to all of her doctors and nurses.

Back in the family room, Camille, Mr. Hollis, my pastor, and some other people, who I didn’t know were sitting and talking. They seemed pretty care free. I sat down, beginning to regain my composure. Mrs. Hollis was sitting with me, holding me and whispering that it would be ok.

“Why don’t we sing some songs. Let’s worship the Lord,” my pastor said.

They started singing. “Holy God in love became. Perfect Man to bear my blame. On the cross He took my sin. By His death I live again.” But I didn’t want to sing. Why would I want to worship right now? My mom just told me she hated me. I don’t want to worship. Why are they making me do this?

Everyone finished singing. The pastor started praying. I love Jesus, but I don’t want to pray right now. I want them to let me be sad. I want them to let me be scared. After he finished praying, he spoke to us.

“If you have anything you want to clear up with your mom, now is the time. You don’t have much time with her”, his words cut me.

“Mrs. Ellise wants to see Maggie again,” a nurse came back in the room.

“No, no, no! I don’t want to. Please, no!”

“C’mon”, Mrs. Hollis said.

I was crying again. So afraid to go in there. I loved my mom and I wanted to see her, but I was so very scared. Mrs. Hollis had to brace me so I could walk back to my mom’s room. Uncontrollable sobs. I was almost hyperventilating. We reached her room. I walked in. 

“Hey Mommy”, I said again.

“Hey sweetie, how are ya? Come here”, she slurred.

She didn’t remember anything. I was half relieved. I walked to her. She grabbed me and held me. She held me for a long time. This is my mom. I was still crying, but she didn’t notice. She wasn’t really there. 

“Why aren’t we matching?” my mom asked. “I want you to match me.” 

“I’m so sorry mommy. I’m so sorry.”

“I wanted to match you! Why aren’t we matching?” 

“I’m sorry. I love you mommy.”

She was getting upset. I was wearing a light blue polo and blue jeans. She was wearing a light green shirt. I couldn’t think of why she wanted to match with me. We’ve never done that before. If I had known, though, I would have worn green.

Mommy was asleep. Just like that. She was still holding me, but she was sleeping soundly now. I climbed up into her bed with her. This is my mom. 

All too soon it was time to go. Visiting hours had come and gone, and they let us stay way longer than we were supposed to. They pulled me away and I whispered one last “I love you.”

“I’ll see you soon”, I said.

Mr. and Mrs. Hollis, Camille and I walked back through the halls, down the elevator, and to the parking garage. Back to C2. It was dark outside. Dark and still hot. I heard the crickets chirping as I climbed back into the gold minivan.

“I was thinking about making breakfast when we get back to the house,” Mrs. Hollis said.

“Breakfast? But it’s night time.” My sister responded.

“Haven’t you ever had breakfast for dinner?” Mr. Hollis asked.

I don’t know why they think food fixes everything. My stomach still hurt. The very last thing I want to do right now is eat. They all acted like nothing happened, while I sat in the back, completely broken. No, I didn’t want to eat. I wanted to crawl up in my mom’s hospital bed and die with her. 

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The Day God Spoke to Me

This morning my sweet friend Katie and I went to hike to the top of Kennesaw Mountain. It took next to forever to get the top due to our slow pace and frequent stops. We were almost to the top when we decided to sit. We sat admiring and commenting on how amazing and beautiful God's creation is, talking about how thankful we are to know Him. Katie talked about how, as women, we struggle with the way the Lord created us, but that we are a part of his beautiful creation. God made us exactly how he meant. There was no mistake.

After a couple minutes of sitting in silence, a man passed very quickly and not far behind was a woman moving significantly slower. Her name is Leslie. She passed, but almost immediately turned around, saying, "ok, Lord, I will obey". She walked up to us and said, "I was feeling kind of like a slug and that man was a bunny, moving so quickly. He's not taking the time to enjoy the world like you girls are.God told me to tell you this. The Lord is pleased with you." The Lord is pleased with you. Wow. So often I feel like I'm failing. That God is not pleased with me because of my attitude about who knows what or my struggle with depression and anxiety. "The Lord is pleased with you. He told me to tell you that". Such encouragement for my heart.

After we had regained our composer and finished walking up, Leslie approached us again, giggling. She went on to say that God told her she needed to talk to us more, but she didn't think she would see us again. She looked at me and said "It is very important that you know that this is coming from God and not from me. You are beautiful. I don't think you believe that, but you are, and the Lord thinks you are. You will believe that one day." I was surprised. She said that she felt like I had endured lot in the past several years, but that I am doing a good job. Leslie told me that she God told her that my desire at this time is to grow closer with Him. She told us both that we are wise well beyond our years, that God is using us and He will bless us. She said a few more things that, for the privacy of myself and my family, I am not going to share here. Almost everything she said was exactly what I have been thinking and feeling and desperately needed to hear.

Today, The Lord spoke to me more directly than I have ever experienced. What began as a hike with a friend turned into a beautiful encounter with God.

I will sing to the Lord, for He has been good to me

Psalm 13:6

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We Meet Again

My goal for this summer is to start blogging. I've come to the realization that I just can't journal in an actual, paper journal. So, hopefully this blog will serve as my electronic journal. Hopefully along the way the Lord will use me to encourage to a person or two. Another reason I'm writing here is that so many people ask me how I'm doing, but unless I'm very close to you I have an extremely difficult time with words. They just don't come easily to me.

The Lord has been working in my life. It has been painful. It has been difficult. I have made friends and lost friends. I have felt alone while surrounded by people. But through it all I have felt God pull me closer to Himself. God has brought me to a point where I desperately want to be close to Him. I want Him to be my best friend. I want to run to Him when I have troubles before I run to my earthly friends. I am not there yet. The most important thing for me to remember is that this is a lifelong journey. I will never get to where I want to be. As a perfectionist, that is hard! So that is where I am spiritually.

As of May 2nd, I finished my junior year of college! What a year. This year was the most challenging yet, academically speaking. I have taken between 18-21 credits every semester and this year was 20, but man, it seemed like WAY more than that. By the grace of God, though, I finished with mostly good grades (I'm still trying to be ok with that B!). I am so blessed to have made a few very sweet friends this year, and it has been amazing. Good friends make all the difference in the world.

That is where I will stop for now. I hope to write more than once every two years!

But they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength;

    they shall mount up with wings like eagles;

they shall run and not be weary;

    they shall walk and not faint.

Isaiah 40:31

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Trying to Trust

I should be writing an English paper right now, but I'm doing everything I can to not write it. Procrastination at its finest.

I had hoped to write more than just every once in a while, but frankly, I suck at keeping a journal. I actually totally forgot I had a blog. Oh well... It's not like anyone reads it anyway.

Today I would like to catch up on the things that have been going on in my life lately. Lots has happened in the past several months. Since I last posted, I have walked through some of the most difficult times of my life. Right up there with 10th and 11th grade. My first semester of college was pretty rough. I was so ready to just drop out. Even though I am only about 45 minutes away from home, I missed my family terribly. That, along with a violin AND piano teacher who insulted me at almost every lesson, made for a very long semester. Honestly, they are both very nice people and mean well, but their comments came across as very demeaning. I've since gotten used to my violin teacher and I switched piano teachers, so we're all good now.

Moving on... Christmas break 2011. Wow. Remember how I said I missed my family so much? Well, that was true, but moving back home for just a few short weeks was just as difficult (if not, more!) than being away. I had grown accustom to being away and independent, so going back to being controlled and having to follow the rules again was extremely hard. I spent most of my break looking for a job.

Shortly after I returned home, I feel into what was probably the deepest depression I have ever experienced. With that came extreme anxiety as well. It was so miserable, and honestly it is only by the grace of God that I lived through that. I need to point out that it was not directly related to my dad or Jennifer. I have had some pretty deep issues that I didn't even know were in there. I have been working on some serious forgiveness issues. Keep in mind, no one has directly or intentionally hurt me, but I have internalized so much that there is a lot to work though. I believe I am finally moving in the right direction, thanks to the Lord, my amazing counselor, great friends, and my family.

The latest significant piece of news is that I am looking at moving in with a wonderful family from church for the summer. I'm still trying to work it out, but I know that God will provide, and it's ultimately His decision. I'm praying for His wisdom.

"The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” 

 ~Deuteronomy 31:8

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Honesty

• Sometimes I lay in bed for hours trying to get to sleep, but I can't because I have so much on my mind.
• Sometimes I feel so angry that I start shaking... and sometimes I don't even know why I'm angry.
• Sometimes I don't feel like serving my family.
• Occasionally I cry so hard that I throw up.
• Sometimes I wish people could be a little more understanding.
• Sometimes I feel like no one cares.
• Sometimes I wonder how God is going to use this for good.
• Sometimes I still imagine that this is all a dream, and when I wake up everything will be like it was 4 years ago.
• Sometimes I wish I didn't feel like I need to wait until everyone is asleep before I can finally cry.
• Sometimes the only thing I want is to feel my moms arms wrapped around me. For her to hold me.
• Oh wait, no. That's pretty much all the time.
• Sometimes I lose hope. 
• But, the Lord reminds me that, although I feel so alone, HE CARES FOR ME. Incredible. God loves me enough to allow me to go through difficult circumstances because HE KNOWS what is good for me. His plan is perfect. It's so hard to understand sometimes! 

Psalm 55:22

"Cast your cares on the Lord and He will sustain you; 

He will never let the righteous be shaken."

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Round Two

I've decided to give blogging another try. I stopped last time because I just felt stupid anytime I posted anything. Not much has changed in that department, but I'm just going to have to get past that. :)

I need an outlet as I am trying my best to glorify God through what is turning out to be another challenging  time in my life. Anyone who knows me even just a little knows that I have a very difficult time expressing myself with (spoken) words. This is my attempt to share more of what is on my heart.

I am getting ready to go "away" (away, meaning about 45 minutes... whatever) to college. I have wanted this for so long, and now that the time has finally come, my excitement has turned to fear and maybe even guilt. Of course I still want to go, but at the same time, I feel bad about leaving my family. I feel bad that I won't be around as much to help out around the house or drive my sisters around.

I realize I sound like I am being an over-dramatic teenage girl. Maybe I am, but there are a few more details that I am not going to post for the world to see. :) Obviously, since this is the internet and ANYONE can read my little blog (not that anyone wants to. ha!), I'm probably not going to get as personal as I would if I were talking to the people who know me well.

I can't help but wonder what God has planned for the rest of my life. He promises that all of our trials and pain are for GOOD. I can't wait to see what the Lord has in store for me!

Isaiah 41:10

"Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

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