A Bad Day and My Ugly Heart

I've been waiting to post until I have something fun or positive to write about, but I just don't.

I am tired. Physically. Emotionally. Mentally. Spiritually.

My job is hard. I love my babies, but my job is hard. Every day I chase after four little ones. Sometimes six. I change diapers, make sure clothes stay one, and wipe bottoms. I kiss booboos and resolve conflicts. I wipe noses and clean up messes. I correct and discipline. And on days like today, I fail miserably. I am impatient and quick to anger. I get frustrated when the toddlers have dirty diapers. I raise my voice. I am slow to listen and quick to send everyone to time out. I become tense and rigid when the girls try to hug me. Or even worse, I tell them I don't have time for that. Who says that to a four year old? Who makes a toddler sit next to them when they are just trying to sit on their lap? I did today. Because my head hurt and I didn't want to change another diaper and I was tired of listening to all the arguing and kissing fake booboos and being covered in snot and cleaning up urine from the accident that no one told me about two hours ago and, and, and.

And then one of the girls comes and says, "I've been a little bad today, haven't I?" Out loud I say, "No, you've been pretty good today." That's all I say to her. But my heart says differently.

My heart says this: "Sweet girl, you are never bad. Sometimes you make bad choices. Sometimes you choose to disobey. But you know what? I make bad choices and disobey sometimes, too. Today you have obeyed. You see my bad attitude and have tried extra hard to make good choices. Choices that please me. Today I am making bad choices. I have been impatient with you for being FOUR. I have told you with my actions that I don't want you to be around me. My job is to care for you and love you and I have not done that. You know that my biggest rules are to be kind and respectful. I have been unkind and disrespectful to you, and that is not okay. I am so very sorry. Please forgive me."

I think tomorrow I will sit her down and tell her that. Because she needs to know that she is not bad. She needs to know that I make bad choices and I will admit it. I am supposed to be the example.

So right now I sit here and cry. Because I was ugly to my precious babies today. I did not love them they way they needed to be loved. I put my own feelings above theirs. I have been sad and lonely lately, but that should never ever come out on them.

Never have I been more thankful that His mercies are new every morning.

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Forgiveness. Joy. Peace.

Forgiveness is not usually something I struggle with. Most of the time when someone hurts me, I'm upset for a minute and then life goes on. Then I screw up. I say something that offends someone. I complain. I create some scenario in my head where I think I've done something. And I am this awful person. I apologize and people forgive me. But I cannot forgive myself. I do not know how to forgive myself.

I am a hardcore rule follower. Always have been. If I break a rule it's probably because I didn't know it existed. Does that make me a better person? Absolutely not. I have plenty of struggles and weaknesses. They just aren't as obvious.

But sometimes I mess up.

I say something that is insensitive or unkind. I forget about commitments and end up having to cancel on someone. I am impatient with the girls. I whine and complain. And then I ask for forgiveness of whoever I've offended and they move on. And I'm stuck. I beat myself up and replay the scene over and over again. It goes on for days and I can't make it stop. I am sick of it.

I had a lightbulb moment this week. I will never be happy until I learn to rest, trust, and surrender to Jesus. It took me long enough to figure that one out, and yet people have been telling me that for years. The problem is, I don't really know how to do it.

The deepest desire of my heart is to have a relationship with Him. I want to consider Him a Friend. A Father. A Counselor. I want to learn to love others and myself the way He does. I want to be able to be a light to my sweet baby girls and point them to Him. I want to live for Him, and not people. I want to find Joy.

I do not want the girls to look back on our time and remember me as irritable, crabby, or more concerned about keeping the house clean than spending time with them. I don't want to be impatient with them. I want to love them well. I want to love myself. Because honestly, right now I do not like the way I feel. I do not like the way I look. I do not like the way I am. That is not a message I want to send to those girls.

So, for all two of you who may read this, please pray for me. To find joy. Peace. Forgiveness. I cannot do it on my own.

Lord, 
Thank you for this life you have given me. Thank you for the family you have given me. Please help me to draw close to you. Help me to love my job and consider it my mission field. Help me to love those babies the way you love them. Let me love myself the way you intended. Teach me to forgive. Please give me joy and peace. God, you have given me a desire to be close to You, but I don't know how to act on it. Most of the time when I pray, I feel like I'm talking to myself. Please give me a desire to spend time in Your Word daily. I love you, Lord. Help me to surrender. 
In Your name I pray, 
Amen.

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