Forgiveness. Joy. Peace.

Forgiveness is not usually something I struggle with. Most of the time when someone hurts me, I'm upset for a minute and then life goes on. Then I screw up. I say something that offends someone. I complain. I create some scenario in my head where I think I've done something. And I am this awful person. I apologize and people forgive me. But I cannot forgive myself. I do not know how to forgive myself.

I am a hardcore rule follower. Always have been. If I break a rule it's probably because I didn't know it existed. Does that make me a better person? Absolutely not. I have plenty of struggles and weaknesses. They just aren't as obvious.

But sometimes I mess up.

I say something that is insensitive or unkind. I forget about commitments and end up having to cancel on someone. I am impatient with the girls. I whine and complain. And then I ask for forgiveness of whoever I've offended and they move on. And I'm stuck. I beat myself up and replay the scene over and over again. It goes on for days and I can't make it stop. I am sick of it.

I had a lightbulb moment this week. I will never be happy until I learn to rest, trust, and surrender to Jesus. It took me long enough to figure that one out, and yet people have been telling me that for years. The problem is, I don't really know how to do it.

The deepest desire of my heart is to have a relationship with Him. I want to consider Him a Friend. A Father. A Counselor. I want to learn to love others and myself the way He does. I want to be able to be a light to my sweet baby girls and point them to Him. I want to live for Him, and not people. I want to find Joy.

I do not want the girls to look back on our time and remember me as irritable, crabby, or more concerned about keeping the house clean than spending time with them. I don't want to be impatient with them. I want to love them well. I want to love myself. Because honestly, right now I do not like the way I feel. I do not like the way I look. I do not like the way I am. That is not a message I want to send to those girls.

So, for all two of you who may read this, please pray for me. To find joy. Peace. Forgiveness. I cannot do it on my own.

Lord, 
Thank you for this life you have given me. Thank you for the family you have given me. Please help me to draw close to you. Help me to love my job and consider it my mission field. Help me to love those babies the way you love them. Let me love myself the way you intended. Teach me to forgive. Please give me joy and peace. God, you have given me a desire to be close to You, but I don't know how to act on it. Most of the time when I pray, I feel like I'm talking to myself. Please give me a desire to spend time in Your Word daily. I love you, Lord. Help me to surrender. 
In Your name I pray, 
Amen.