Holidays

This time of year is tough. 

Thanksgiving and Christmas. The time of year when families gather together and eat, talk, laugh, maybe quarrel a little. There's dysfunction and everyone knows it. Some more than others. But overall, people enjoy the short time with their families.

This year I am between families. Not quite knowing where I fit in. There's my dad's house but I don't live there anymore. There's the home I live in now but I'm not technically part of their family. It's hard. I love both of my families, but it is hard.

Thanksgiving day will be spent in my step mother's cousin's house. With all of her family who are still kind of strangers to my siblings and me. I'll answer the questions, "where are you working? Oh, so you just stay at home and babysit all day? When are you going to get a REAL job? (to which I'll want to but not have the courage to respond, "Please, switch jobs with me for a day and take care of two 2 year olds and two 4 year olds and then ask me about having a REAL job.") Are you going to go back to school? How much money are you making? You won't make much money with your degree" about 15 times. They mean well. But I'm going to need some serious supernatural strength because these days if anyone asks me ONE of those questions I politely finish the conversation then walk away and cry. So much uncertainty.

I feel lonely. Not good enough. Unwanted. I want people to love me for who I am, and not wish I was someone better. 

I want people to tell me that it's okay to be sad, and to want my old life back. I try not to dwell on it for too long, but the holidays are brutal. I miss my mom. All the time, but especially in November/December. I do not enjoy this time of year and I usually fail at pretending I do. And for that I am sorry. I do my best not to take anyone else's joy. 

My birthday is December 5, and guess what. That's the day my mom was diagnosed with cancer. I don't really like my birthday. I don't really feel like I should be allowed to celebrate it. 

I love that people love the holidays. I love the season. But please, when you ask about my Thanksgiving and Christmas, try not to be too surprised when I'm not super excited about it. Tell me about how much fun you had and I will rejoice with you. I will try not to let you see my sadness. If you do, do not apologize for you're amazing holiday. Give me a hug and tell me it's okay to be sad.