The Mindset of Anxiety

I woke up the other morning feeling nothing but dread. I had to force myself out of bed to get ready. My body was weak and shaky. I was terrified. Of nothing. As I approached my workplace my chest began to feel tight and I was nauseous. Because I knew I would have to talk to people. People who I know and love. People I usually feel so safe with.

I beat myself up because of the way I feel. I know that there is no rational reason for me to be anxious. Nothing bad or scary is really happening. I was mad at myself because I couldn't snap out of it.

Still nauseous, shaky, and weak, I put on a happy face and hoped nobody could tell that I was barely holding it together inside. We sang songs, had dance parties, and practiced scripture. I was two seconds away from either throwing up or crying the whole time.

Then I was alone. I made it through another day. I cried. Tears of sadness, fear, and defeat. My body became tense and my head was throbbing. I started hyperventilating and all of my muscles were so tight that I couldn't move. I laid in bed trying to slow my breathing and stretch my muscles. Finally, I got a little break. Two more times I had these paralyzing attacks. I tried to pray, but all I could think was, "Lord, please help me." I felt so alone. So scared. So tired and sad.

Anxiety is something I have lived with for as long as I can remember. I remember when I was as little as four or five just sitting and feeling scared. Sometimes it was because my mom made me talk on the phone. Sometimes it was when my parents made me talk to people (introduce myself or say "hi" to an adult). Sometimes I didn't know why I was afraid. It was something that came and went, but was always kind of there.

Then my mom died, and my anxiety and depression skyrocketed. I never acknowledged or admitted that I had it. I felt that because I was functioning, because I was still in school and making good grades and wasn't stuck in bed all the time, that I didn't really have anxiety. Or depression. I was just scared and sad a lot. I thought I just wasn't trusting God enough. I wasn't reading my Bible or praying enough.

But anxiety is so very real. Through counseling and yes, medication, I have been able to get it under control. It usually does not rule my life anymore. However, sometimes my anxiety rears it's ugly head again. Like the past several days.

One of the deepest desires of my heart is to learn how to trust the Lord with this. I don't know what that looks like. I don't know how. I believe He will help me. But I also believe that I have to put in some work as well. I need to find the right tools. Healing is painful. It takes time. I am thankful for the people who have stood beside me through the crazy ups and downs of my life.