Trying to Trust

I should be writing an English paper right now, but I'm doing everything I can to not write it. Procrastination at its finest.

I had hoped to write more than just every once in a while, but frankly, I suck at keeping a journal. I actually totally forgot I had a blog. Oh well... It's not like anyone reads it anyway.

Today I would like to catch up on the things that have been going on in my life lately. Lots has happened in the past several months. Since I last posted, I have walked through some of the most difficult times of my life. Right up there with 10th and 11th grade. My first semester of college was pretty rough. I was so ready to just drop out. Even though I am only about 45 minutes away from home, I missed my family terribly. That, along with a violin AND piano teacher who insulted me at almost every lesson, made for a very long semester. Honestly, they are both very nice people and mean well, but their comments came across as very demeaning. I've since gotten used to my violin teacher and I switched piano teachers, so we're all good now.

Moving on... Christmas break 2011. Wow. Remember how I said I missed my family so much? Well, that was true, but moving back home for just a few short weeks was just as difficult (if not, more!) than being away. I had grown accustom to being away and independent, so going back to being controlled and having to follow the rules again was extremely hard. I spent most of my break looking for a job.

Shortly after I returned home, I feel into what was probably the deepest depression I have ever experienced. With that came extreme anxiety as well. It was so miserable, and honestly it is only by the grace of God that I lived through that. I need to point out that it was not directly related to my dad or Jennifer. I have had some pretty deep issues that I didn't even know were in there. I have been working on some serious forgiveness issues. Keep in mind, no one has directly or intentionally hurt me, but I have internalized so much that there is a lot to work though. I believe I am finally moving in the right direction, thanks to the Lord, my amazing counselor, great friends, and my family.

The latest significant piece of news is that I am looking at moving in with a wonderful family from church for the summer. I'm still trying to work it out, but I know that God will provide, and it's ultimately His decision. I'm praying for His wisdom.

"The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” 

 ~Deuteronomy 31:8

Read more...

Honesty

• Sometimes I lay in bed for hours trying to get to sleep, but I can't because I have so much on my mind.
• Sometimes I feel so angry that I start shaking... and sometimes I don't even know why I'm angry.
• Sometimes I don't feel like serving my family.
• Occasionally I cry so hard that I throw up.
• Sometimes I wish people could be a little more understanding.
• Sometimes I feel like no one cares.
• Sometimes I wonder how God is going to use this for good.
• Sometimes I still imagine that this is all a dream, and when I wake up everything will be like it was 4 years ago.
• Sometimes I wish I didn't feel like I need to wait until everyone is asleep before I can finally cry.
• Sometimes the only thing I want is to feel my moms arms wrapped around me. For her to hold me.
• Oh wait, no. That's pretty much all the time.
• Sometimes I lose hope. 
• But, the Lord reminds me that, although I feel so alone, HE CARES FOR ME. Incredible. God loves me enough to allow me to go through difficult circumstances because HE KNOWS what is good for me. His plan is perfect. It's so hard to understand sometimes! 

Psalm 55:22

"Cast your cares on the Lord and He will sustain you; 

He will never let the righteous be shaken."

Read more...

Round Two

I've decided to give blogging another try. I stopped last time because I just felt stupid anytime I posted anything. Not much has changed in that department, but I'm just going to have to get past that. :)

I need an outlet as I am trying my best to glorify God through what is turning out to be another challenging  time in my life. Anyone who knows me even just a little knows that I have a very difficult time expressing myself with (spoken) words. This is my attempt to share more of what is on my heart.

I am getting ready to go "away" (away, meaning about 45 minutes... whatever) to college. I have wanted this for so long, and now that the time has finally come, my excitement has turned to fear and maybe even guilt. Of course I still want to go, but at the same time, I feel bad about leaving my family. I feel bad that I won't be around as much to help out around the house or drive my sisters around.

I realize I sound like I am being an over-dramatic teenage girl. Maybe I am, but there are a few more details that I am not going to post for the world to see. :) Obviously, since this is the internet and ANYONE can read my little blog (not that anyone wants to. ha!), I'm probably not going to get as personal as I would if I were talking to the people who know me well.

I can't help but wonder what God has planned for the rest of my life. He promises that all of our trials and pain are for GOOD. I can't wait to see what the Lord has in store for me!

Isaiah 41:10

"Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

Read more...